i think ive been dawdling in the past a lot because i'm unhappy w/ the present lately, at least in some regards...

i've always lacked the same independence other people mistake for maturity. even now, in my late 20s, i find myself depending on my family to take care of me because i lack the ability to function on my own. i can't work, and i can't move out due to how prohibitively expensive THAT would be.

the last half year or more i've had to adjust to being Actually Disabled, after pretending not to be for so long. and it's rough, because i still feel like a child in some aspects just purely due to needing care.

lately i have taken some time to revisit deviantart archives & saw where some folks ended up after the days of dA... i know a few of them have become part of the animation industry or became professional artists, but others seem to have either Logged Off or gone into something else

and, of course, i KNOW that nostalgia is a LIAR and that it's unhealthy to cling to the IDEA of the past. things did suck back then. but it does make me sad how many of us didn't end up going into art fields. i guess that's growing up, huh? i dunno.

anyways... i do wonder if people have gone looking for ME at all. ive certainly looked into some of the people i knew, and a lot of them i still keep in contact with, like my friend petz from fuzz academy in 2008, or my friend mutt who i met near the beginning of high school. stuff like that. and i wonder what they'd think about where i am, too, the people who haven't seen me lately.

speaking of: i took the pokemon mystery dungeon quiz a few times again recently. i realized something while taking them: my personality is so different. i am so much more confident. i'm still big into nature and animals as i always have, but my general disposition has changed as it's needed to over the years, and the testosterone helps a LOT with my stability.

but like, the way i approach things feels more mature. i'm more sympathetic. i dwell less on the things that make me upset. i have people to talk to. i have things i wanna do. and i want to DO them. you know. i have conviction, and willpower, and just. i guess *drive* for things i didn't before. i can advocate for myself and feel less like a pushover. and thank goodness for that.

i dunno, i'll just keep surviving as always, and try to enjoy my life.