after a nightmare of a wildfire and separation from family, i found myself washing dishes in the kitchen this morning.

the weather is fair today. somewhat cloudy, just the puffy ones that come with the rain. the warm water makes the air very humid, and my brain feels equally heavy and tired...

but there's something encouraging about looking out through the kitchen window over the sink, and seeing, amongst the cold leaf litter that's still damp from the recent storm, the bursts of yellow daffodils that are trying very desparately to bloom, even though it's, again, cold and wet.

i always liked daffodils. they always come at the turn of spring. i remember - vaguely - visiting a place as a child (not even three years old!) that was simply a field full of daffodils. i recently referenced a photo of my mother from her teenage years in daffodils, posted here.

so, i think they mean a lot, symbolically. to me.

in addition, i often see steller's jays lately, as they migrate from here up to the mountains again with the weather. this is significant as well, as i always considered blue jays a bad omen - or at least, the standard variety. steller's jays are kind of different somehow. they're this really pretty black-to-midnight-blue gradient. very stunning colors.

and while i'm describing the sights of the kitchen window, i also find myself drawn to the colors of the yard next door, down the hill. the shadows are blue, so the white walls of the neighbor's house are a very periwinkle color to me. the roof, normally a tan or dull red, is somewhat more saturated in the gentle yellow light.

the grass, also, is a sort of chartreuse. i always liked chartreuse. nice, cozy, rustic color. feels old. smells like leaf mold and creosote. yknow?

i've found myself drawn to colors in environments lately, relatedly. and recently i have been trying to improve my natural color sense and rely less on filter layers and gradient maps in my artwork - they're easy, but i think are a bit of a crutch for me in lieu of intuiting colors.

i think my eyes have gotten better at it since i started really focusing on it. for example, i practiced this in my anniversary banner and this character portrait. among other places. i also scribbled down some striking colors and compositions from a recent car drive (which i have neglected to post due to being mostly small and a way to jot down memory).

to bring it back around to the original point, i think it's sort of a metaphor, you know? learning to find colors in mundane places. finding ways to be positive when the world is graying. i feel that lately people in my life - real life, rather than online - have been emphasizing their negative outlook on life (my dad especially), but i don't share this anymore.

as i said in my previous entry, i promised to live. i discovered the purpose of (at least my) life is to live comfortably, and both experience and inspire happiness. it's easy to be mean. it's easy to be rude or patronizing or negative. but to be nice, to be soft when the world continues to be sharp, that takes some amount of courage. and confidence.

and if there's anything i've gained, it's the confidence to keep going.