The Familiar Spiral

08.18.23

have you heard about how the human brain tends towards the pain it knows towards the pain it doesn't?

our brains are wired for patterns. we crave familiarity, routine, a foothold in a world that's always changing. you know? but that doesn't always mean the familiar is best for us...

i have lately found myself returning to what i'll refer to as 'the familiar pain', then... i feel a bit like i am in turmoil. lots of parts of my life feel tenuously held together, as if with some sort of embroidery thread. and it's causing me to return to ways that are bad for me, but the comfort of having them again "outweighs" it...

i won't be overly candid, of course, since i try not to be vulnerable and i figure it'd be oversharing. it's kind of bad. i am getting stressed out a lot about things i have no control over! a lot of it is about accommodations for my failing health. it's always money trouble, you know?

something that isn't the same as "back then", though.... something ive developed in the past few years is a sense of self-respect and self-empathy. and it changes a lot of inner dialogue from doomerisms to "i want to be comfortable", or "i want to be healthy", or "i want to be content", or "i want to feel reassured when i am sad."

you can probably imagine how different it might be for someone like me, who has struggled with depression and its friends. like, i've somehow moved the blame from myself to the factors causing my misfortune and miserable state. i will say, it's easier to fight off sadness when you know it isn't your fault, even if it still sucks...

anyway... all this to say, i guess, you should remember to take care of yourself or you'll be too tired to do anything. tomorrow will come anyway.

climbing back up,

forest

listening to: yorushika - hitchcock
playing: caves of qud
feeling: blah
outside it is: sunny