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after a long journey of medical negligence i have my testosterone back! so i feel much more peaceful again. which feels funny - i always hear this harmful stereotype of "testosterone makes you angry" but literally.... nah.... it makes me so calm. Like the otion...it really is such a night and day difference. like my entire self becomes so much more stable. this was a fully intentional part of my body's design i feel like. i can't imagine going off it on purpose.

i've been more productive than usual.... did some cleaning in my bathroom, for example, along with my usual chores... i'm taking more time to do things off the computer but i want to do more, even if i'm not entirely sure what! (i should pick up a physical hobby but nothing really comes to mind...)

had a nightmare of my cat getting out of the house and running away! which is stressful. but at least im sleeping routinely... and it isn't hard now... always so thankful for that machine. i find myself dreaming of my own house often, or of my girlfriend's house.

i saw some baby turkeys - 'turk-a-lurks', my dad called them - wandering around outside. i think it's a group of four babies and two moms. maybe five babies? i dunno. but they seem to be herding together in the warm season while the babies grow up.

relatedly have been seeing two does and a fawn - maybe two fawns..? one of the does is really light-furred, but not enough to look extremely pale, just notably compared to the other mule deer around here. the fawn i saw has finally lost its spots, so probably wasn't born that recently - a month or two ago, maybe. it's nice seeing them wander through, even now that we've removed our fish pond.

i miss having a pond outside though. the sound of the water flowing at night used to help me sleep, and before that we would use tin coffee cans during the rain. now we have neither, but at least i have other white noise generators (a fan, ac unit, cpap machine, and cat purring) to make up for it.

now that artfight is over i need to give myself more of an artistic break - at least with 3d stuff? - but i also feel this itch to make. to create. i'm so antsy lately. feel like i am getting kind of stale somehow. but maybe it's fine. i dunno. i need to do more weird shit