notice: this blog entry touches on topics of school bullying. you can skip to the two paragraphs just before the list if you want to avoid it!

you know, recently, i think a lot about how much i do now that i didn't do when i was younger.

when i was a teenager fresh out of high school, i was basically pushed straight into college without any real buffer to speak of that i could use to process what happened in there. i've said before that high school - and middle school, really - is a pressure cooker of enormous proportions. you are forced in close contact with people your age from diverse walks of life being overseen by adults who are meant to guide you. this sounds great in theory, but the fact is that kids come from troubled homes quite often - especially if, like me, you are part of a small rural town full of adults who probably should not have become parents - and the teachers are not equipped for this at all. there may be some training around escalation but not a lot; most of what they learn is specific to the subjects they teach, rather than conflict negotiation and resolution.

if you add this to the common issues of overworking and lean staffing present in every modern work setting, you get teachers that are strained, stressed, tired, and easily frustrated. and mixing this with students who, even aside from their own family climate, are maturing and going through puberty and massive growth in all sectors... oof! that is one spicy meat ball.

imagine me. i was a puppy when my mom passed away, and the year after that, i graduated to middle school, and my only friend from elementary was enrolled elsewhere. i started growing in ways that people thought were ugly. i got fat, just like everyone on my mom's side, and my undiagnosed neuroses ranked me very low, socially speaking. i don't know who else had this in middle school, but there were rankings and people did view you accordingly.

bullying isn't how you might imagine it looks in media. people don't throw rocks at you or call you names from afar and other things like that, at least not as often. a lot of it was nonverbal, or unspoken, or implied, grinding your bones subtly at such a rate that you don't even notice. and you know, after around 7 years of that straight really does something to someone. i mean, it turned me into an animal, which, comparitively to other outcomes, is pretty good. but it did a lot of other things to me, too.

i have had - or, had? have? results inconclusive - this issue of wanting to please others. to quote multiple therapists i've had, "you are extremely skilled at minimizing yourself." which, by the way, not something you want to hear from a therapist. haha.

but even aside from that i had other latent problems that were left unaddressed until graduation, where i realized i was transgender, and had some sort of mood fluctuations, and all of that. i went to a lot of doctor appointments and therapist meetings just to figure out what i could do to function normally like a person who hadn't had complex PTSD beamed into their brain.

i was insecure, scared, tired, regrowing what i could from the little plant inside me that i'd kept in a time capsule in stasis until i was safe. and then, i was finally safe, but i did not trust this fact. history had shown that i couldn't trust that. but, genuinely, that's no way to live. it made me continue to minimize myself to keep things stable and safe.

i couldn't tell you exactly what happened. i suspect starting HRT changed a lot of things for me, because i'd had my hormone levels checked beforehand and they were out of whack (inherited intersex conditions, etc). and then, when i started taking testosterone, it was like, wait, that was kind of crazy, why was i so wound up? i stopped overthinking nearly as much, i started sleeping healthier, and every single interpersonal relationship i had with anyone had suddenly gotten so much calmer.

i could finally fucking think!

isn't that crazy? that my emotions were still in such turmoil, even when i started hrt four and a half years ago, and i was already a young adult, with no signs of stopping until the hrt took hold. i really truly cannot emphasize enough how life changing HRT can be for someone. the age old transfem adage of "dont give up until youve thrown hormone treatment at it" applies here as well, though i am TME and the context is somewhat different than what it applies to traditionally since it was not just treating dysphoria but a whole imbalance. you know....

god. i dunno. it's just crazy. i used to have so many problems with anxiety and, as someone with ADHD, i also had trouble with tasks. i had trouble just doing things. but like, now, i will just do things without having to contemplate it for very long beforehand. the only considerations i take now are related to physical aches and fatigue management (spoon savers rise up). it's like i finally stopped being a ghost.

so, you know what? here's a list of things ive done the past few years that i am proud of.

• started brushing my teeth nightly as a habit
• sought treatment for sleep apnea and obtained a cpap machine
• stopped staying up til 4am (mostly)
• sought treatment for acid reflux that ive had since my preteen years
• sought diagnosis and treatment for lymphoedema
• gone to the airport and flown to and from oregon somewhere in the 10s or 20s of times
• asked for accommodation at airport even though i was nervous and embarrassed to do so (and found out it really fucking helped actually)
• reconnected with a number of old friends
• finally cleaned out (part of) my plushie shelves (in progress) and started dusting
• organized all the shit i keep in the shelf by my bed so that it looks nice (not totally picturesque, but very functional)
• learned a lot more about blender nodes and retopology and sculpting in blender
• tried new methods of drawing and painting (both for fun and to accommodate chronic pain)
• went out of my way to do chores without having to be asked
• drew my grandmother something she liked well enough to have printed professionally and framed
• got closer to friends i had previously been a little more distant from
• reconnected with my father in ways that i dont know i ever properly have been, to the point that we are pretty amicable now and don't fight nearly as much
• learned better conflict resolution skills and found new ways to back up and see the bigger picture
• realigned my morals harry dubois style and internalized new ideas on "is it harmful weird or harmless weird?"
• adopted my cat and accommodated her needs in ways that make her happy, perky, and healthy
• tried new foods and foods that i often used to hate (i loooove stovetop stuffing now???)
• worked towards eating more veggies in ways that i can actually tolerate
• started work on my website and used new tools that i'd never known before to make it easier to manage as the site grew in size

and that's just what i can remember off the dome right now. i am really thankful and glad that i could get to this point and i don't want to stop ever.

when i was still a puppy, and i was having an awful hard time, i would imagine future me coming back to hug me and tell me it'd all be okay. now that i'm older, i imagine going back to younger me and hugging them and letting them know that we get to survive, and we get to have friends who love us, and family that cares for us, and we get to exist in a way that doesn't hurt us. it is really cathartic.

this is probably the happiest year of my life. i hope 2025 has even more in store for me - and for you, reader! thank you for stopping in and reading. i hope you can also find new things to be proud of this year.