man...

just thinking about a recent incident with a doctor. i went in to talk about my chest pains and other symptoms. i showed the doctor my logs and she barely glanced at them, saying that it was "just severe sleep apnea" - as if i didnt have symptoms before. And Why Did It Become More Severe Huh?

relatedly, something that happened at that same appointment...

CW for weight and diet talk, and some revisiting of bullying in high school. scroll past this section if you do not want to see it. highlight to read

she genuinely did not lead up to this in anyway, and simply said, "i'm putting you on [medication]." and i had to ask here, yknow, what? okay, what is this medication for?

and she goes, "it's an appetite suppressant. you are severely obese & clients tell me it works great."

and i go. "i already have an appetite problem." and she goes. "... oh, seriously?" and i go "Yeah Seriously." because. i literally have trouble. eating. at all.

the fact that i have conversations like this almost every time i see a doctor makes me not want to see a doctor again. like. genuinely. i constantly have to self-advocate. i have had to learn the script of "what would you do for someone who was thin and had this problem?" and "i do not want to take this medication" and shit like this.

i should not have to advocate for myself this strongly. i shouldn't feel like the doctor is an opponent or enemy to be outplayed. i dont like to sound bossy or like i know better. but holy fucking shit. i dont need doctors to tell me the obvious: im fat! i know this. i was bullied in school for the better half of my childhood for this. i had to go to therapy. i still struggle with my self image.

i dunno. the lack of empathy. the immediate assumption that i must be doing something wrong. that im not trying. that being fat is bad for me. i dont know. i think she should look inward and understand her biases. but i dont think she will. and that makes me feel upset.

and i mean this when i say every visit - regardless of what doctor i see - is like this. my endocrinologist did the exact same thing. my regular doctor does this (the one i saw for this appt was a substitute). i dont know. i just wish people would see me as a human. genuinely depressing.

cw over.

ive been really exhausted, still. yesterday i had a moment of mind clarity, but today it's back to brain fog city. i need to make the sleep study appointment. theres a lot i need to do. but im battling a lot of things right now.

at least i am drawing. im learning to enjoy expressing myself with art again. i have a better time appreciating the things i make. i have a bad habit of looking at recent pieces and pinpointing mistakes, but lately, i dont find myself actually focusing on them. i think i am growing somewhat as an artist and a person.

cw for dysphoria, but not in a wholly negative or venting way

i know i have some gender fluidity going on. i know i can appreciate by boobs sometimes and other times not. but i realized something today, when looking in my bathroom mirror

i often forget that i wanted top surgery, or rather, the feeling of wanting it badly. but i realized the shirt i am wearing today makes me look particularly androgynous in the chest region. and like, i dunno. i guess that was gender euphoria. i liked how i looked a lot.

if top surgery wasn't a bitch and a half to get with my current insurance, i'd go for it, still. but right now it feels like no one in my area will take me in. and i am trying not to be hurried about it. after all, it only bothers me a little - the fact that it bothers me at all is a problem, but i can endure this feeling for now.

in my dream future, i would have a house in oregon with my girlfriend, with healthcare that allows me to have hormones and top surgery and groceries and paid bills. i dont have many ideas on how this will happen. i have a rough suggestion of moving into her current house (w/ her family). but unless something in the economy changes, i dont know how far off my dream will be.

but, years ago, i decided i want to live, and i want to see things happen. so i have to believe good things are coming.

in the meantime, i will enjoy the little things. i like the cold and rainy weather. i like waking up with my cat nestled into the crook of my spine. i like watching sun that reflects on the water that runs down my shoulder when i take a midday shower. i like holding my girlfriend like a precious gemstone

and that is what makes it all worth it :)