The Three Rules

(this article mentions parent death and gets tear-jerky about it.)

my dad is the source of almost all of my core beliefs. everything i consider important about my worldview has been reinforced by the things he did.

when i was a puppy, my dad set three ground rules, each important to keeping the peace and allowing for a healthy rapport.

rule number one: no lying. this was more broadly applicable to, say, pinning the blame on the other twin (i am a twin!) when something's gone wrong, or trying to cover for something, or whatever. promising to be sincere and not being punished for it means that you will more frequently reach out for support when things are scary, even when you're an adult.

if one of us needed something, we would say as much. if something happened, we would not lie by omission. et cetera. this one had few real examples that i recall just because it felt like a given after a while.

rule number two: no stealing. there's no reason to be doing that. it undermines trust and is just mean to do to someone (corporations exempt etc). it causes more problems in a single household than it solves.

my sister and i had a friend ("J") briefly who came over once or twice. one of those times, my sister's animal crossing: wild world cartridge disappeared mysteriously. the next day at school, J bragged about having suddenly gained a copy of animal crossing: wild world. how coincidental. we stopped talking to her immediately and J was no longer a friend of ours.

rule number three, and maybe the most important rule: if something's broken, you have to tell someone or it won't get fixed. this rule exemplifies the core of the whole set: be honest, and i won't get mad, i promise. no matter how bad it is.

and i can't stress enough how practical that rule has been. i don't know if i can even call it a rule, anymore, since it's become a core belief as i've grown older. i'm not a puppy anymore, after all, but the stakes still resemble the old ones, even if the magnitude has changed. and let me tell you, it has been applicable more than i would anticipate.

as a more extreme example, when i was little, i once crashed my barbie car into the side of my dad's el camino. it dented the metal. he might have sworn, and been upset, but he didn't take it out on me or my sister, and instead gave us an amount of grace that i would consider almost saintly in that particular situation. i cannot express enough: he loved his el camino!

at 11 years old, my mother passed away. dad was struggling. we all were. but i think he was trying even harder for us.

my sister and i came home from school one day to our dad sitting in a chair in the living room, speakers blasting rumours at high volume. he was crying.

recently, my dad showed me a paper he found in some of our old school-related boxes. it was a paper my sister had written in sixth grade, the year after our mom had passed away. an essay had been assigned - i believe it was along the lines of "people who know a lot".

the paper went roughly like this:

"my dad is one of the oldest people i know. he knows a lot and does landscaping. he always knows what to say and how to act."

then, a single line that my dad read aloud:

"i remember when he cried."

he told me that it made him tear up. writing about it now, i'm tearing up, too.

so i must always remember the three rules: no lying, no stealing, and if something is broken, you have to tell someone or it won't get fixed.

and you know what else?

i remember when he cried.