not another post about my doctor misadventures!!

see, growing up fat and bullied, i've had a long, long time to work through my personal issues & like, generally stand up for myself more in a lot of settings. i think i'm more confident than ever, and have a better outlook than i did when i was in the thick of it.

it sure is hard, though, sometimes! haha!

cw: doctors, ableism, fatphobia, eating

my last few doctor visits - or, really, all of them - have similar elements. i get shamed for being fat, and every one of them assumes that i am "not doing enough" or that im making my issues worse. the one that "suggested" that i (read: attempted to force me to!) take an appetite suppressant despite... well, not having appetite anyway.

like, i barely eat a lot. my girlfriend comments on it sometimes when im over - not judgementally, but in a worried-for-you way. and yet doctors see me and already have an idea in their minds of what my problem is. they don't ask about my history - or, hell, they know my history sometimes! - and they dont ask questions. they assume so much based on how i look and dont stop to consider that maybe i am not failing 'on purpose'.

and hell, it's not failing to be fat! being fat is fine. it's NORMAL. speaking as someone who is 403 pounds and was bullied mercilessly by their peers. but the fact is that doctors find it to be a personal failing, like i did something 'wrong', and that i need to 'fix it'.

"risk factor" your way through the conversation, whatever. but the truth is that being fat doesnt make me any more of a liability for my genetic issues (blood pressure, etc) than it would be if i were underweight.

anyway. tl;dr, i feel like it'd be really nice to stop having to be such a self-advocate and have someone else care about me as much as i do! like, in a medical setting, i mean. my girlfriend loves me very much.

additionally... more doctor talk / ableism.

i continue to speak to doctors who say "you're not even 30 and you have so many problems" or "you shouldnt be taking this many medications at your age", but like, what? you expect me to suffer instead of living comfortably with aid? what kind of life would that be? i think it'd be very sad.

so all in all i have already decided - years ago - that i want to live. and i think there's no amount of shame that will change that. i made my resolution, and if other people want to be sad and upset and doomer about things, whatever, but i'm built different, i processed my shit, i compacted my shit. that shit is hung up in the closet!

and ive made my long term plans, ive got friends who love me, i have hobbies, i have interests, i have a girlfriend, i have hormone treatment, i have things that make my quality of life much better and i would not for a second trade that for the old, circular, spiralling thoughts i used to have when i was at my lowest.

(maybe this is easier for me now that HRT has leveled out my emotions. but it's still true.)

anyway, rambled a bit. ultimately i just want to say that... 1, you should stand up for your fat friends when they speak up about being let down by doctors. and 2, you should always choose a comfortable life over feeling bad when trying to look respectable. there're people out there who won't respect you no matter what, and the sooner you start working to respect yourself, the better you'll feel. you have inherent worth just by being here, and - in my opinion - the point of life is to make merry and enjoy yourself. that's why we're here!